28 weeks

What attracts a woman the most? Money? Power? Jewelry? A handsome man?

No. The most attractive thing to a woman is a baby, and a woman about to have a baby is a close second. My belly has garnered more female attention this year than George Clooney and Brad Pitt combined.

Like an insane person, I agreed to get up at six a.m. with my sister and mother to hit the After-Thanksgiving sales at the mall. No matter what store we went to, my presence incited a pregnant-woman sighting, and all the bargain-crazed women in the vicinity descended upon me like vultures to carrion. It's like my protruding stomach has a homing beacon.